Bloodkiss Obscura

Well, here I am writing my column for the first issue of this gothic online magazine. I was thinking I should do something gothic but then reasoned with myself and decided upon another subject that is eating at us all.. THE LAWN GNOMES ARE GOING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!

According to a survey I recently conducted, here are the top 5 reasons people assume Lawn Gnomes are after them. 1. They look too innocent to be true. 2. Snow White and the Seven Dorks means 1 too many cute faces not to be scared of. 3. If you get really close to them their eyes are BLACK! 4. At least 10% of the people surveyed have had nightmares after watching the movie "Leprechaun". 5. When you're on medication and cheap drugs, Lawn Gnomes are the second most likely thing to chase you... next to Big Bird!

From another source I hear that Lawn Gnomes plan to first takeover Canada(lucky me) and Australia. Then they will take a nice "trip" to the United States and, cleverly disguised in the bodies of our government officials...WHAMOOOOOO! suck your brains out through your nose! Of course 2% of the world's population will still exist for the mere entertainment of the Lawn Gnomes. And so,the next time you see a Lawn Gnome, think of this article and then.... TAKE A FEW MINUTES TO KICK IT!!!... better yet, get a bat and... SMASH IT!!! I shall leave you with this lovely poem written by yours truly. Until next time........ Drink blood! Love the after life!

One little lawn gnome sitting on the grass I felt a tug on my boot as he flipped me on my ass Two little lawn gnomes as ugly as can be I turned around a second time and then there were three Three little lawn gnomes spying from a bush One said aloud, "I'm gonna turn you into mush" Four little lawn gnomes 'til i picked up a rock threw it at their heads and then there were none THE END

Article: ©1999 Rebecca Barr

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