Monochromatica, help! My boyfriend dumped me, and I am heartbroken. The worst part is, he's very depressed, and I have done so much to try to make him happy. I've stopped spending any time with my friends and family because he can't handle being social; I've given up my night class so I can spend more time with him. Now he's dumped me! I love him so much, and I am so hurt. I can't believe after all I've done for him, he wants it to end. He says he just can't handle being in a relationship. I guess there's nothing I can do to change his point of view. Now I'm lost and alone. How could he do this to me after all I've done for him?

I quote the esteemed leader of our nation when I say: "I feel your pain." I gave up so many months of my life trying to please someone, trying to make him happy, trying to make him well, trying to do whatever it was he wanted to do whenever it was he wanted to do it, foolishly thinking this might end his depression.

From that experience, this is what I learned: No one likes it when you give up your life for them. Give up your life for no one.

Yes, giving up your life -- ceasing to do the things you enjoy, the things that make you you   is the ultimate sacrifice. You feel like you're doing a lot for your loved one. Unfortunately, your loved one can't tell. It's no use. And it's our fault...we try to be perfect angels, doing whatever it takes to make him happy. But we never announce, no, I'd rather not do X, Y,
or Z, in fact, Id rather be off doing A, B, and C, but I'm going to do X, Y, or Z because I want to be a perfect angel for you. Instead, we go along with what does not make us happy and expect him to notice and think: "Hey, I know my girlfriend and she really would rather  be doing A, B, and C, but instead she's doing X, Y, or Z. What a perfect angel!"

A depressive myself, I ought to know better. I ought to know that in the thick of a bad spell, you can't see past your own nose. Sometimes you can't even see your own nose, all you can see is your childhood trauma. Whatever. Depression aside, when you adopt the perfect angel mode, when you give up everything, your boyfriend doesn't see that you're trying so hard, giving up so much to be a perfect angel. He just assumes that the perfect angel mode is simply your personality, and, unfortunately for you and me both, my friend, he's right to assume it because we don't say anything. Then, when you tire of being a perfect angel, if you're like me, you take it out on him. I get mad at my boyfriend because I haven't done things I want to do, when in fact it's not my boyfriend stopping me, it's me.

My boyfriend didn't fall in love with a perfect angel. He fell in love with me. Then he got depressed, and I became a perfect angel out of fear, fear of his condition, fear of the change in him, fear of losing him. I lost myself in the process.

Bottomline, I hear you. I've been there. It sounds as if you, too, have lost yourself in a misguided attempt to cure depression. You know what? It's not a fair price to pay. It's not fair to either of you. Your boyfriend was telling the truth, I'm guessing. He can't handle being in a relationship right now. I know it hurts, but in a way you should be grateful that he was strong enough to realize that and admit that to you. Because he's actually given you a wonderful opportunity. Free from the responsibility of caring for him, you are free to find yourself again -- see your family, your friends, pursue something that interests and challenges
you. Go do it! And write me back and let me know how it goes.

Take care,
  Monochromatica

Love troubles got ya down? Email Monochromatica at monochromatica@hotmail.com